I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
