Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
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