Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
