You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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