i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
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