who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Randomize
