You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
