Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Randomize
