How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
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