My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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