its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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