eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Randomize
