Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
