I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
