My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
