Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize
