I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Randomize
