Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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