I think i sorta joined a cult last night
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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