Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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