you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
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