New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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