booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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