im drinking this country out of the recession.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
