Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Randomize
