One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
