I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
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