Please don't use social media to get back at me.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Randomize