I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
Randomize
