i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
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