Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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