Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
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