I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
