So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Randomize
