I think I won the penis lottery.
I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
