By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
