Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Randomize
