she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
