I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
