The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Randomize
