In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
