i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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