...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
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