I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
I wish they made helmets for livers.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
