Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
