It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
