She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Randomize
