i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
