Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Randomize
