I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
