Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
You have to summon your inner elephant
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
