im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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