Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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