we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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