Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
