His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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